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my blood is wine, and i believe gsus told you to drink it.

Sunday, June 14, 2009


" Falling in love is like eating a steak, only you are trying to swallow the entire thing without chewing it and so it inevitably becomes stuck. Falling out of love is similar, only opposite. Your body recoils and fights for air because of the steak in your throat. Sometimes you choke to death. The people that choke die or they get a therapist. Other people vomit and then they try swallowing the steak all over again. These people are stupid. I tend to drink, hoping the liquid will force down what's blocking my air."
--Written by a fellow insomniac, Ian Bassingthwaighte, because there is nothing else to do at night. His favorite food is cheerios.
I reminisce:
Falling in love with Stanley was extremely difficult. Many walls broken down on both sides, and once we finally found love, he got scared and bailed. Falling out of love with Stanley was even harder. I remember coming back from lunch with his roommate where I learned that he was seeing another girl, less than three weeks after we ended, and quite literally not being able to breathe. I collapsed to the kitchen floor and sobbed uncontrollably. That wasn't even the worst of it...but I refuse, even in my mind, to relive that hell.
Although I never stopped loving Stanley, I did find a way to release my heart/emotions from his control. I moved on. Now, however, I've put myself in an interesting situation. I'm allowing myself his company once again. It's not that I'm afraid of being alone. I actually prefer that lately, as I'm sure you can gather from my first post. I just take comfort in his genuineness. Drowning in a sea of superficial people, I'm saved by Stanley's sincerity. I'm slowly trusting him more and more.
Recently, he's been there for me a lot. He even supported my decision to follow my very confused heart out to Cali to visit another guy...that, my friends, is impressive. And while I morned the loss of a friendship with said guy, Stanley was there to cry on and pick me up. Selfless. As beautiful as this love is, part of me can't help but feel that I'm trying to reswallow the regurgitated steak mentioned above. Stupid. Maybe I should take Ian's advice and drink these feelings away. Wouldn't be my first attempt to achieve numbness...won't be my last.

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