About Me

My photo
my blood is wine, and i believe gsus told you to drink it.

Monday, August 17, 2009


why I love her.

Just shoot.

Now that I’m still standing,

I’ve got something left to prove

Got a bullet left, but I can’t decide

Which scorpion I’m going to shoot

Will it be me, will it be you?

I will never forgive you

For what you put us kids through

Remember that night

You tried to take your own life?

When I found you

You were a shade of blue

Success is a state of mind

With a little bit of follow through

And then you failed at that, too

It’s a bad man’s world

It’s a bad man’s world

I’m a bad, bad girl

It’s a bad man’s world

Will it be me, will it be you?

-Jenny Lewis, <3<3<3<3<3

Saturday, August 15, 2009

when everything is as it SHould be.

I want to feel things. Really feel them.--Frank's dream. the purest of them all.

Frank Wheeler, I think you're the most interesting person I've ever met. --the heart's fatal flaw, beating for someone else.

Knowing what you've got,
Knowing what you need,
Knowing what you can do without.
-that's inventory control.

If being crazy means living life as if it matters
then I don't mind being completely insane.

Look at us. We're just like everyone else. We've bought into the same, ridiculous delusion.

Just because you've got me safe in this little trap, you think you can bully me into feeling whatever you want me to feel!

Hopeless. Emptiness. Now you've said it. Plenty of people are onto the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness. --[fuck yea, John was my favorite]

Tell me the truth, Frank, remember that? We used to live by it. And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth, Frank, they just get better at lying.

I wanted IN. I just wanted us to live again. For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping. How pathetic is that? So stupid.
To put all your hopes in a promise that was never made.
Frank knows what he wants, he found his place, he's just fine. Married, two kids, it should be enough. It is for him. And he's right; we were never special or destined for anything at all.

I don't feel anything...fuck who you'd like.--[I saw so much of myself in April]

But I don't love you...you're just some boy who made me laugh once at a party once. And now, I loathe the sight of you.

I saw a whole other future. I can't stop seeing it.
--definitely cried at this part. At the end of the movie I was hoping she was reaching for a gun instead of the tubing.

Revolutionary Road really gripped me. Some of my greatest fears put on display.

April-realizing her dream, her passion in life, and being unsuccessful...incomplete.
inadvertently, she puts her failures on him...judging him for his cowardice.
trapped in a hollow life until it finally drained her of all hope.

Frank-too afraid to fail. never even giving a dream a chance. choosing the safe, right path.
a cheating husband, desperate for feeling...

John-the madman of the society...ultimately the most sane.

the love for one another was real
but it wasn't enough

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

lied to myself


The look on your face when I uttered those words
And the taste in my mouth that lingered
And when I said goodbye,
I wish I would have hugged you harder
And when I said goodbye,
I wish I would have held you closer

And no matter how hard I try to give us another chance,
I held on just a little too long
And I’m sorry I broke your heart
And I’m sorry I couldn’t give you mine
Give you mine

I could no longer bear to see you in pain
And I felt guilty when I looked into your eyes
For everything I said to you I meant it
And although I may not have lied to you,
I did worse,
Lied to myself.

So now I walk to the river
I walk to the river alone.


Sunday, August 9, 2009

"flowers of chance"

And sometimes, people are good to each other.

When I couldn't stop crying, he did the impossible and made me smile.

Attached was a note: You are loved.

I'm usually not one to think much of flowers. On this particular day, however, they meant so much more. Hope.
Hope in people.

The Crunch

too much
too little
too fat
too thin
or nobody.

laughter or
tears haters
lovers strangers with faces like
the backs of
thumb tacks armies running through
streets of bloodwaving wine
bayoneting and fucking

an old guy in a cheap room
with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock people so tired
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone untouched
unspoken to watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.

I don't ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child
like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little
too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.
surely there must be a way that we have not yet
though of.

who put this brain inside of me?
it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.
it will not say"no."

-Charles Bukowski

One of my favorites.:]