I love you.

Hot and heavy,
pumpkin pie,
chocolate candy,
gsus christ,
aint nothing please me more than you:

Face eating Face. You were my favorite part of the day. Completely wrapped up in each other, just sucking kiss on the bench waiting for the bus. I couldn't help but smile the rest of the walk to class. I love you two, I mean one.

Balls on Bike. Last night, I was walking across Central Ave very involved in my peapod when we locked eyes. Not in the romantic way, just a casual acknowledgment of each others' existences. Then you nudged my gaze towards the notepad in your hand. "KICK ME IN THE BALLS. PLEASE!" hahah! Thank you for that. I love you for your youness.

I've fallen hard this time guys, and I've never been more single. I'm in love with the world, and every fucker in it! I couldn't sleep last night I was so high. Just beaming with love. I wanted to reactivate my facebook account to write a personalized message to each one of my 442 "friends" explaining to each why they are so beautiful. I wanted to hug every person I ran by today.

I guess I fall somewhere in between the face eaters and the ballless biker. Everyone is looking for some sort of connection. As honest and masochistic as that biker is, I'm resigned to not giving anyone that kind of control again. As cute as that kissing moment was today, I can't imagine that feeling. I know I've been in that place before, maybe even on that same bench. I'm just waiting for a different bus this time.

Oddsac

My friends rock.
thank you S for the puppy chow.
gracias Hola Gato for letting me borrow your violin for lessons--that made me cry.
shanks Stan for the best dinner ever last night! and for putting up with my sick/sad tummy groans the rest of the evening.
sincere thanks to DunnBrosDan for forgiving my bitchy ways and keeping the free caffeine flowing this past month..consequently providing an opportune environment for H Pylori to mitos faster than bunny humps, in turn, forcing me to quit alcohol which was the reason I was such a bitch to begin with. hm. funny how that worked out.
OOO! and Pat, a million thanks!
you're my favorite for the ticket to the show tonight!!

Could you be pregnant?

I was having pretty severe stomach pains for a few weeks.
Finally, my stomach won. Throwing up blood, I threw up the white flag and went to see my doctor. Man, they sure ask a lot of questions. I hadn't slept with anyone in over a month an a half. So, why is it that whenever I'm asked he dreadful with-child inquiry my stomach jumps up to my throat, heart stalls, and eyes freeze open, all the while my brain neurons won't fucking fire!
Naturally, due to my reaction, I wound my in a chilly white bathroom holding a test. One I've passed many times over the years. Those two minutes take an eternity. Single line, frown face, blue shade all equate to:WHEW! Every time I pee on one of those damn sticks I promise myself that next time I'll be more careful.
I managed to dodge another bullet, so then what was wrong?
They needed to run more tests. Blood tests. :| I'd rather take another pregnancy test. I have this thing about seeing large amounts of my blood outside of me. I get very anxious with thoughts of--what if I get in an accident and I need that? It's mine. I'm not good at sharing.
"This will just pinch a bit." Followed by a wave oh shit. Yep. While they were drawing blood from my arm, I expelled it down the side of the wall divider. My life is painfully awkward most days. I'm allowed one stupid mistake a day so I don't beat myself up. On that Wednesday, spewing blood mixed with stomach acid was my stupid thing. I didn't pass this test. Turns out, I tested positive with H Pylori. It sounds prettier than it feels. A stomach ulcer? I'm not even stressed! I'm the happiest I've been in years!
"Amoxicillin and Prilosec that should do the trick, oh, and here's a list of foods you should avoid."
Coffee
Alcohol
Fruit
Junk food/sugary foods
Anything greasy or spicy--no fried cheese curds, no more chimichangas
tomato paste--which rules out pizza, spaghetti, lasagna
And absolutely no smoking
The sum of my daily caloric intake. "Dairy will be your friend. Eat lots of yogurt." Cool. Did I mention that I've had to carry around lactaid tablets for about 5 years now?
Me vs. H Pylori.
I do have something growing inside of me. Some days I wish it was a baby.
I don't want to be anorexic. Fuck, now I'm stressed.

For Emma, Forever Ago

I was reading an interview Justin Vernon did for The FADER in which he states "I’m past the record, but I recognize that somewhere in the world, someone is hearing it for the first time. But if you spend all your time thinking about that, you can’t look forward. I’m already working on stuff that’s going to piss some people off because it’s not going to sound anything like that."

http://www.thefader.com/2009/12/09/feature-bon-iver-the-son-and-the-earth/#ixzz0iPtBqh5m

It got me thinking. To grow in this life, you have to find the balance between learning from your past and letting it dictate your future. It's beautiful how the life-changing events of falling in love, falling out of love and death of a loved one can connect us all, and yet these same events suffocate. Where do I fall on this continuum?

I hang onto stuff. Let things linger around and fester a bit.
Gifts, letters, notes, flowers ...shriveled and dried now, but memories of love. Pictures, paintings, receipts, plane tickets, movie stubs. shit. I'm not sure why I enjoy revisiting my past so. Reopening scabbed over feelings better left forgotten. I keep them to learn? To remember how things once were? Who I once was?
Here are some texts I couldn't bring myself to delete for reasons I'll never fully know:

Imagine if you'd never felt love. If you never knew that feeling of being so connected to another human that you feel yourself smile simply because they do or you feel your heart ache when theirs does. If you'd never felt that, you would be missing out. To feel that is a risky game that ensures heartache as its final play. --Wednesday, November 12, 2008. 7:08pm.
I remember this night all too vividly. My heart hurts, stomach turns just rereading the text. This was the start of my insomnia bout. I'd lost close to 11 pounds in a matter of two weeks. I couldn't eat. I couldn't keep anything down. I loved him so much. It's hard to see the light in nights like those. A friend from back home pulled me out of this one. so sincere.


This could sound totally random, but I could go for a nice run and heart to heart talk with a long lost friend. Long over due. You're a great friend. -- Monday, February 9, 2009. 11:06pm
Ah! I smiled so big when I got this message. A long lost friend indeed. We hadn't talked, really talked in years. Reconnecting with him brought a piece of me back. I'd missed Bleeding Swan.


But they are all into the artist type. I don't have a chance with them. --Monday, June 15, 2009. 1:39pm
Why he likes me, I'll never know. None-the-less, it's comforting to have someone in your life that thinks you shit sunshine. He loves to tease me about my 'type.' I know he'll always be a part of my life. I aim to never abuse our friendship; it's too valuable much to risk. I wish he was my type.


Sometimes i miss you --Thursday, October 8, 2009. 3:51am
Letting him go meant promising myself that previous sentiments he made were done so in states of loneliness. I forced myself believe I had imagined any sort of true connection, and I was doing good. His robotic transformation was almost complete. This text really took me by surprise. human after all? Maybe I hadn't imagined it. It helps me justify those months of sadness. Sometimes, I miss him. We were never real friends. It's a shame.


You've got to be the weirdest girl I've met. Wonderfully weird.--Monday, December 16, 2009. 1:13am
Two months of awkward bliss. Intertwined in each others' oddities. I keep this text more for the perspective than the memory of the boy who wrote it. He's the nicest guy I've ever been with. Inevitably, that was his undoing. I broke up with him eight times in one month. I'm a Bitch. Ha! I wasn't comfortable being treated good. I can't explain it, but when I read this text, it reminds me that I'm ok. It reminds me that I need to see this in myself. Not to say I don't love myself, but I'm just struggling with who I'm becoming, where I'm headed, and I don't want to lean on anyone.


You're in an awesome TV show!! At least she looks exactly like you! You have to admit, there are some similarities!! --Sunday, January 31, 2010. 6:50pm


Fuck. Ha!! This one got me laughing! Naturally, I assumed he was fucking with me. I don't know which part is more upsetting, the fact that I'm no where near as foxy as Ms. Legend of the Seeker, or that my ex of three years, my first love, wouldn't recognize me on the street. He was so good to me, but once again, I was a huge bitch. One time he spent weeks learning to knit me a scarf in my favorite color even, and I explained I already had a teal one, but could use a red one. I know, wow! I've definitely learned from that relation. But this text serves as more than a just reminder to not be such a bitch. Finally, almost three years after the break, we're genuine friends. None of that bullshit lingering feelings/hidden ulterior motives shit. It gives me hope to finding resolution with all previous loves.



insert Bon Iver's new album title here.

Love is harder to give up than life. In this world we spend our time killing or adoring, or both together. "I hate you! I adore you!" We keep going, we fuel and refuel, we pass on our life to a biped of the next century, with frenzy, at any cost, as if it were the greatest of pleasures to perpetuate ourselves, as if, when all's said and done, it would make us immortal. One way or another, kissing is as indispensable as scratching.--Louis-Ferdinand Celine

My AA

On the topic of birds, I've decided to fly north with a few odd flocklings this verano. Penguin, named for his uneconomical running form, and I had always planned to go for a road trip when we graduated high school. We were inseparable for most of those four years and in search of new dares. Fouhree summers ago, however, we had found separate norths. We both were guilty of stifling serious relations. Which brings me to another completely off topic point of how I find serious relationships boring. Ah'll save that gripe for another post.

That leaves Birdman. Gosh, I wish I still had that drawing Zach made of him from high school. He eloquently turned CHris's nose into a beak. GLorious! I still remember that track practice. Chris solemnly came up and asked me if the picture resembled him. I'm a horrible liar mind you, and although I saw that the portrait upset him, I laughed. Spot on! Birdman and Penguin were my boys. Arguably, most of my happiest high school memories involved these fools. Just pure fun. Four summers later, we're finally going to execute our plan. Birdman and Penguin are my boys.
Destination: Alaska

"Some people say you're crazy. I say you're my friend. Bleeding Swan, I need to find my way back to your neck of the pond one of these days." -Penguin. Sat, Jan 30 12:56 am.


"Who says I'm crazy?" -Bleeding Swan. Sat, Jan 30 1:09am.

http://jagjaguwar.com/blog/2010/03/justin-vernon-contributes-to-anais-mitchells-new-record-hadestown/
--just a taste of "Wait for Me"...I'm yours.


I'll be making a run to zee Electric Fetus tomorrow before work.
itching for my Justin Vernon fix

no catecholamines needed.

it swirls. rushes. fills my veins. ejaculates from my ventricles. contracts in my arteries. my arterioles. i dream of my blood turning into fire. not in a scary way. arousing. i watch it pulse. bright. blinding. dilating. expanding my world. i'm alive.

i'm going to paint it.

8)

edward sharpe & the magnetic zeros--bunch of creative genies!
Dali meets Gsus meets my dreams.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros "Desert Song" from benjamin kutsko on Vimeo.

crayolas have that smell. i'm four again.

Road to JOyii

Rid myself of vices:
PEOPLE-even if they're good people with good intentions, ultimately if they're hurting me i need to be without.
--More specifically, no boys for awhile. i'm a user...and i get used, but it's mutual. i'm uncomfortable being treated well, and fall for the ones leading to inevitable heartache. i've been using guys for physical and emotional gratification. i believe Elizabeth Gilbert said it best: I will no longer use someone as my scratching post.
ALCOHOL-it depresses and although it helps me sleep, i still dream in red.nightmares every night.my dreams used to be an escape, a land I longed for. i aim to arrive there again someday.

Start living. REALly LIFEing.:
NO FACEBOOK-waste.
Read more-fresh, new perspectives. Journey to the end of the night at zee moment.
MAster Chess.
Learn Spanish or French OR both!!-I love french cinema and their books--mmm.
Travel more, even small road trips to visit Stout or Ashland.
Volunteer again-Family Place in St. Paul--beautiful familes:]
Paint more-fresh supply of paints. go go go.
Go to more shows-Caroline Smith & the Goodnight Sleeps-tomorrow night, Atlas Sound-next Thursday, Cloud Cult, Jeremy Messersmith-Feb. 26th, Solid Gold-March 5th, Peter Wolf Crier, Bight Club, Lookbook, The Pines (SXSW sendoff)-March 6th
Treat people good. simple concept but i've been so caught up in my sadness this past two years. i've not been the friend i once was.

my heart needs a lovedance....dance it will with pages, pawns, tildes, open miles, children smiles, acrylics, beats and beautiful people.easy/lucky/free

pennies in a wishing well.

Everything has a price. Especially those advertised as free.

One of the most meaningful investments in life is an endured relation. The cost of these friendships are sometimes too heavy. I finally found a happy new guy...he's really blindsided me, completely taking me by surprise. He'll do anything to make me smile, and is such a genuine caring fellow..no hidden agenda, but part of me can't help but retract. I need to learn from my past without letting it dictate my future. But how? The more I learn, the less I know.

Spiral down.

Marianne:
We are carefully looking for that moment when one abandons the fictional character in order to discover the true one if such a thing exists.

Ferdinard: Why do you look so sad?

Marianne: Because you speak to me in words and I look at you with feelings.

Marianne:
I never told you I'd love you all my life.

Oh my love, you never swore to adore me all your life.

We never made promises like that,

knowing me,

knowing you.

We never thought we would be caught by love as fickle as we were.

And yet, step by step,

without a word between us, bit by bit,

feelings slipped between our merry mingle bodies and words of love rose to our naked lips.

Bit by bit lots of words of love began to mingle gently with our kisses.

How many words of love?

I never would have thought I'd always want you.

Oh my love, we never would have thought we two could live together and not get bored.

Wake up every morning and be just as surprised to be just as happy in the same bed,

desire nothing more than that oh so banal pleasure of feeling so good to be together.

And yet, step by step,

without a word between us,

bit by bit our feelings bound us tight in spite of ourselves,

bound us tight forever.

Feelings stronger than any words of love known or unknown.

Feelings so wild and so strong.

Feelings we never thought were possible before.

Don't ever promise to adore me all your life.

Let's not make promises like that

knowing me,

knowing you.

Let's keep the feeling that this love of ours,

will be short

will be sweet.

Ferdinard:

That is the basic problem.

You're waiting for me

I'm not there

I arrive

I enter the room

that's when I really start to exist for you.

But I existed before that

I had thoughts,

I may have been suffering.

So the problem is to show you alive,

thinking of me,

and at the same time,

to see me alive by virtue of that very fact.

Pierrot le Fou (1965)- Jean-Luc Godard

An image I never saw, BURNed in my memory.

23. Too young.
Typing this on MicrosoftWord,
AutoCorrect Options thinks I'm making a list.
No list needed,
#23 is reason enough.

23 years
Five of which you were consumed with poison,
addictions fed the division.
You pushed your real friends,
your remaining family away.

Only thoughts of your parents' deaths remained.
Curious how you referred to them in the present,
as if kept alive,
but they were passed.

23 years.
Last night marked thirty nights.
Thirty nights you've haunted me.
3 o'clock always brings a sudden sharp gasp for breath,
Cold sweat, Colder tears,
Wide-eyed,
SUICIDE!

When
did
you
die?

23 years.
The accident you, solely, survived
Epitome of alone.
The accidental sucide of an only child
No one knows.

No note to be found.
No one to leave one for.
There was no funeral.

23 years incomplete
You were too weak to continue.
Now sober, you felt everything.
The hurt stuck to you.

23 years completed
You were too strong to continue.
Determined to be with them again.
Numb at last.

23 years.
The bravest coward I've ever met.
Had a heart once beating of hope.
3 months filthy sober
Concluded the healing was over.

23 years.
Found dangling in the shower.
Hope down the drain
You were finally clean.

http://www.tudou.com/programs/view/srVkRZVliHI/

why I love her.

Just shoot.

Now that I’m still standing,

I’ve got something left to prove

Got a bullet left, but I can’t decide

Which scorpion I’m going to shoot

Will it be me, will it be you?

I will never forgive you

For what you put us kids through

Remember that night

You tried to take your own life?

When I found you

You were a shade of blue

Success is a state of mind

With a little bit of follow through

And then you failed at that, too

It’s a bad man’s world

It’s a bad man’s world

I’m a bad, bad girl

It’s a bad man’s world

Will it be me, will it be you?

-Jenny Lewis, <3<3<3<3<3

when everything is as it SHould be.

I want to feel things. Really feel them.--Frank's dream. the purest of them all.

Frank Wheeler, I think you're the most interesting person I've ever met. --the heart's fatal flaw, beating for someone else.

Knowing what you've got,
Knowing what you need,
Knowing what you can do without.
-that's inventory control.

If being crazy means living life as if it matters
then I don't mind being completely insane.

Look at us. We're just like everyone else. We've bought into the same, ridiculous delusion.

Just because you've got me safe in this little trap, you think you can bully me into feeling whatever you want me to feel!

Hopeless. Emptiness. Now you've said it. Plenty of people are onto the emptiness, but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness. --[fuck yea, John was my favorite]

Tell me the truth, Frank, remember that? We used to live by it. And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth, Frank, they just get better at lying.

I wanted IN. I just wanted us to live again. For years I thought we've shared this secret that we would be wonderful in the world. I don't know exactly how, but just the possibility kept me hoping. How pathetic is that? So stupid.
To put all your hopes in a promise that was never made.
Frank knows what he wants, he found his place, he's just fine. Married, two kids, it should be enough. It is for him. And he's right; we were never special or destined for anything at all.

I don't feel anything...fuck who you'd like.--[I saw so much of myself in April]

But I don't love you...you're just some boy who made me laugh once at a party once. And now, I loathe the sight of you.

I saw a whole other future. I can't stop seeing it. --definitely cried at this part. At the end of the movie I was hoping she was reaching for a gun instead of the tubing.

Revolutionary Road really gripped me. Some of my greatest fears put on display.

April-realizing her dream, her passion in life, and being unsuccessful...incomplete.
inadvertently, she puts her failures on him...judging him for his cowardice.
trapped in a hollow life until it finally drained her of all hope.

Frank-too afraid to fail. never even giving a dream a chance. choosing the safe, right path.
a cheating husband, desperate for feeling...

John-the madman of the society...ultimately the most sane.

the love for one another was real
but it wasn't enough

lied to myself

http://www.zigzaglive.com/live/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/lucy1.jpg

The look on your face when I uttered those words
And the taste in my mouth that lingered
And when I said goodbye,
I wish I would have hugged you harder
And when I said goodbye,
I wish I would have held you closer

And no matter how hard I try to give us another chance,
I held on just a little too long
And I’m sorry I broke your heart
And I’m sorry I couldn’t give you mine
Give you mine

I could no longer bear to see you in pain
And I felt guilty when I looked into your eyes
For everything I said to you I meant it
And although I may not have lied to you,
I did worse,
Lied to myself.

So now I walk to the river
I walk to the river alone.

-LucyMichelle&theVelvetLapelles-36th

"flowers of chance"

And sometimes, people are good to each other.

When I couldn't stop crying, he did the impossible and made me smile.

Attached was a note: You are loved.

I'm usually not one to think much of flowers. On this particular day, however, they meant so much more. Hope.

Hope in people.